Delete Brain, Insert Fist
Today I had my first 5-time loser: 5 stupid questions in one week. That makes this lucky moron our first official i-tard. What put this lucky prick over the edge? Well...
"I have a page with all white, I'm having problems. Do I need a page break?"
Solution: Attempted to feign death. After notice attempt failed, followed user to terminal. Queried user as to whether or not they wanted page breaks. Answer was "Yes." 10 further minutes of questioning revealed that the "Yes" meant "Yes I want page breaks between each page." Began inserting page breaks. Aborted process when user informed me I was making it worse. User informed me they already had too much white in document. Noted time confusion officially set up permanent residence in my brain. Again queried user as to exactly what the hell they wanted. Determined user thought page break would "break" unused space off page and join text on next page to it. Consulted English to Fucktard dictionary, achieved communication breakthrough when it was determined user just wanted to remove 3 rows from a table. Attempted to draw mental map of how this point was reached, ripped space-time continuum a teensy bit. Performed necessary deletion of rows. Felt dirty.
"I'm on this website and I can't find what I'm looking for. Can you help?"
Solution: Determined plastic butter knife not suitable object for slitting own wrists. Inspected user's monitor. Informed user that the website was not telling them it didn't have what they needed and that they were looking at a page error because URL was mistyped. Directed user to universal search engine goatse.cx.
"My computer is asking if I want Outlook Express as my default browser. Do I?"
Solution: Informed user we already use the full version. Told user to click "No." Foolishly considered matter resolved. User returned one minute later and related that subject computer had an Outlook Express setup wizard open. Told user to click "Cancel" and that anytime Microsoft asked anything they should click cancel. Chuckled maniacally. Drank more coffee.
"I have a page with all white, I'm having problems. Do I need a page break?"
Solution: Attempted to feign death. After notice attempt failed, followed user to terminal. Queried user as to whether or not they wanted page breaks. Answer was "Yes." 10 further minutes of questioning revealed that the "Yes" meant "Yes I want page breaks between each page." Began inserting page breaks. Aborted process when user informed me I was making it worse. User informed me they already had too much white in document. Noted time confusion officially set up permanent residence in my brain. Again queried user as to exactly what the hell they wanted. Determined user thought page break would "break" unused space off page and join text on next page to it. Consulted English to Fucktard dictionary, achieved communication breakthrough when it was determined user just wanted to remove 3 rows from a table. Attempted to draw mental map of how this point was reached, ripped space-time continuum a teensy bit. Performed necessary deletion of rows. Felt dirty.
"I'm on this website and I can't find what I'm looking for. Can you help?"
Solution: Determined plastic butter knife not suitable object for slitting own wrists. Inspected user's monitor. Informed user that the website was not telling them it didn't have what they needed and that they were looking at a page error because URL was mistyped. Directed user to universal search engine goatse.cx.
"My computer is asking if I want Outlook Express as my default browser. Do I?"
Solution: Informed user we already use the full version. Told user to click "No." Foolishly considered matter resolved. User returned one minute later and related that subject computer had an Outlook Express setup wizard open. Told user to click "Cancel" and that anytime Microsoft asked anything they should click cancel. Chuckled maniacally. Drank more coffee.
posted by Clueless Dad at
4:12 PM
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