Oh God Make it Stop

So we've got a new guy (who I'll call FNG) that claims he came from a tech-related job.

Yet it took me an HOUR today to explain to FNG the difference between the mail server and his hard drive.

I'm so pissed I can't even type.

I am not a help file.

I cannot tell you how goddamn lazy all the geritol junkies I work with are... they're like 5 year olds, expecting things to fall into thier laps. They don't want to take the time to learn, or to explore menu options, oh no, not when they have me... and management is a thousand times worse. They don't even bother to read the memos that thier fellow middle-rung shit-bags disseminate. This, however, can provide a lot of amusement when someone finally DOES read a memo and gets scared that they aren't in compliance with policy, prompting rapid-fire questions like:

"How do I sign my e-mail? My mouse isn't doing anything."
Solution: IT has deemed it necessary for all business related e-mail to be digitally signed. Informed user that they have an icon in thier Outlook toolbar that allows them to sign mesages. Also infomed user that they have the option of setting Outlook up to sign all e-mails by default. Further informed user that this does NOT mean they are to use thier mouse to "sign" thier name, despite inherent fun factor of watching entire branch do so. Did not inform user I have more nefarious plan because I knew this question would lead to....

"Ok, so how do I encrypt an e-mail?"
Solution: IT has also demanded that anything with personal information in it be encrypted, despite enomrous system strain this causes under our current setup. Informed user that there is another icon in Outlook that can be enabled for thier toolbar. Informed user that propper proceedure is to click button, move mouse around in random fashion to generate encryption key for AT LEAST 15 seconds, and then send message. Provided documentation to this effect copied from website selling software that really does work this way. Reclined in chair to watch stupid, lazy i-tards furiously shuffle mice at random intervals. Smiled.

At this point, I casually remarked that I couldn't wait for them to require encryption on everything, because it would bring joy and laughter and sweet puppy kisses to the whole organization. User from above replies "Oh, so you're a technophobe."

You got me. The iPod-wearing, web page maintaining, query-writing, photo-manipulating, internet-surfing, blog-keeping, next-gen gaming, ad-hoc IT support guy is a technophobe. I managed to not say any of this, but I did try to explain it's not the technology, it's the long line of people waiting to ask me how to USE the technology because they're too lazy take 5 minutes to figure it out themselves that makes me want to weep. Response: "If you fear change, they'll say you're a technophobe, and you never know who will think you have something to hide if you don't encrpyt your e-mails." I pointed out the obvious (encrypting e-mails doesn not change thier content, nor does it make them somehow invisible/uncopyable) but...well, he just repeated the same thing louder and slower. I continued to try to explain my point, but it's akin to teaching quantum physics to an epileptic monkey with ADD and a mean, mean temper. I gave up, finally, after making a mental note to exact revenge on this particular i-tard only to find MIT waiting at my desk, printout in hand....

"Did I spell December right?"
Solution: Informed MIT that thier PC has an onboard dictionary called a "spellchecker." Also informed user that this "spellchecker" can make suggestions as to the correct spelling of a word. Further told user I had a secret backup "spellchecker" that had it's own power source, independant of my PC, for those times when I didn't want to bother with the computer, or suspected the computer was incorrect. Informed user they could borrow said device, and handed user goddman dictionary.

Edit: My spelling errors in this were intended to be ironic given the subject matter. Apparently I didn't go far enough over the edge so they instead look rather silly. I asur yuo that wont hapin agin.

That's Telekenisis, Holmes.

Ugh...Monday. At least by having my iPod on today I managed to make most people leave me the hell alone.

"How do I rename this file? It just keeps making copies."
Solution: User attempted to rename file using "Save As". Explained to user that "Save As" creates new file with whatever neame user's stupid little heart desires-- demonstrate by saving open Excel spreadsheet as "ILoveGoats.xls". User complained that old file was still on hard drive. Showed user that universe did not collapse if he deleted old file; further suggested more efficient way of renaming file (using Windows Explorer). Tutorial brought to grinding halt when user asked where menu appeared from. Was confused until I realized they meant the context menu opened by right clicking. Told user menu was willed into existence, suggested they stick to menu on top of window until they got used to thier computer's psychic vibrations.