Oh Sonova...
Well, I unearthed this thing today as I was poking around on my kompooter... figured what with us implementing a huge new software package, it was time to fire up the ol' hatefiles once again. So without further ado...
"They broke all my Excel files; none of them will open. What am I going to do? "
Solution: Assume the "They" in question is the all knowing IT department, which I believe to be funded by a surviving division of the SS. Ascertained user was unable to open Excel files because the local install of Excel was corrupted. Since this is clearly not user's fault, decided to show mercy. Upon further consideration, question was still i-tarded so reneged on previous merciful verdict and told user to change all excel file extensions to ".doc" to allow opening in word. Waited. Once user had done so, told user to try one; watched Word try to eat itself alive. Told user Word was corrupted as well and told them to change extensions back.
"All my pictures are blurry, my camera is broken. can you fix it? "
Solution: Initiate best Nick Burns eye-roll. Look at pictures, quickly reach conclusion that user is in fact just mashing shutter button and not letting camera auto focus. Relayed this theory to user and was quickly proven correct by user demonstrating how they take a picture (which as it turns out is a lot like watching a monkey smash it's own penis over and over with a rock, expecting something other than less than pleasurable results). Told user to depress button halfway until "beep" is heard, then press fully. Swallowed fistful of Vicodin for good measure. Shouldn't have done that because immediately following this was....
"How close should I expect to be able to take a picture? "
Solution: Veil of sweet, sweet slumber brushed aside by rage; asked user how far camera was capable of zooming. User replied they didn't know, had never tried it. Expressed amazement that user was able to actually hit cereal bowl with poured milk in the morning given clear inability to follow simple directions involving spatial abilities. Demonstrated zoom function after beratement, muttered somethign about a monkey fucking a football. Etched small drawing of veiny wang on lens for posterity. Waiting to see Christmas pictures this year.
Helpful hint of the day: Gen X and later workers are not amused nor should be expected to care about how you ruled the world back in the days of mainframe batch jobs if you're relating the tale while furiously failing to make a new folder in your mail program.
"They broke all my Excel files; none of them will open. What am I going to do? "
Solution: Assume the "They" in question is the all knowing IT department, which I believe to be funded by a surviving division of the SS. Ascertained user was unable to open Excel files because the local install of Excel was corrupted. Since this is clearly not user's fault, decided to show mercy. Upon further consideration, question was still i-tarded so reneged on previous merciful verdict and told user to change all excel file extensions to ".doc" to allow opening in word. Waited. Once user had done so, told user to try one; watched Word try to eat itself alive. Told user Word was corrupted as well and told them to change extensions back.
"All my pictures are blurry, my camera is broken. can you fix it? "
Solution: Initiate best Nick Burns eye-roll. Look at pictures, quickly reach conclusion that user is in fact just mashing shutter button and not letting camera auto focus. Relayed this theory to user and was quickly proven correct by user demonstrating how they take a picture (which as it turns out is a lot like watching a monkey smash it's own penis over and over with a rock, expecting something other than less than pleasurable results). Told user to depress button halfway until "beep" is heard, then press fully. Swallowed fistful of Vicodin for good measure. Shouldn't have done that because immediately following this was....
"How close should I expect to be able to take a picture? "
Solution: Veil of sweet, sweet slumber brushed aside by rage; asked user how far camera was capable of zooming. User replied they didn't know, had never tried it. Expressed amazement that user was able to actually hit cereal bowl with poured milk in the morning given clear inability to follow simple directions involving spatial abilities. Demonstrated zoom function after beratement, muttered somethign about a monkey fucking a football. Etched small drawing of veiny wang on lens for posterity. Waiting to see Christmas pictures this year.
Helpful hint of the day: Gen X and later workers are not amused nor should be expected to care about how you ruled the world back in the days of mainframe batch jobs if you're relating the tale while furiously failing to make a new folder in your mail program.
posted by Clueless Dad at
6:25 AM
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