Oh Sonova...

Well, I unearthed this thing today as I was poking around on my kompooter... figured what with us implementing a huge new software package, it was time to fire up the ol' hatefiles once again. So without further ado...

"They broke all my Excel files; none of them will open. What am I going to do? "
Solution: Assume the "They" in question is the all knowing IT department, which I believe to be funded by a surviving division of the SS. Ascertained user was unable to open Excel files because the local install of Excel was corrupted. Since this is clearly not user's fault, decided to show mercy. Upon further consideration, question was still i-tarded so reneged on previous merciful verdict and told user to change all excel file extensions to ".doc" to allow opening in word. Waited. Once user had done so, told user to try one; watched Word try to eat itself alive. Told user Word was corrupted as well and told them to change extensions back.

"All my pictures are blurry, my camera is broken. can you fix it? "
Solution: Initiate best Nick Burns eye-roll. Look at pictures, quickly reach conclusion that user is in fact just mashing shutter button and not letting camera auto focus. Relayed this theory to user and was quickly proven correct by user demonstrating how they take a picture (which as it turns out is a lot like watching a monkey smash it's own penis over and over with a rock, expecting something other than less than pleasurable results). Told user to depress button halfway until "beep" is heard, then press fully. Swallowed fistful of Vicodin for good measure. Shouldn't have done that because immediately following this was....


"How close should I expect to be able to take a picture? "
Solution: Veil of sweet, sweet slumber brushed aside by rage; asked user how far camera was capable of zooming. User replied they didn't know, had never tried it. Expressed amazement that user was able to actually hit cereal bowl with poured milk in the morning given clear inability to follow simple directions involving spatial abilities. Demonstrated zoom function after beratement, muttered somethign about a monkey fucking a football. Etched small drawing of veiny wang on lens for posterity. Waiting to see Christmas pictures this year.

Helpful hint of the day: Gen X and later workers are not amused nor should be expected to care about how you ruled the world back in the days of mainframe batch jobs if you're relating the tale while furiously failing to make a new folder in your mail program.

Oh God Make it Stop

So we've got a new guy (who I'll call FNG) that claims he came from a tech-related job.

Yet it took me an HOUR today to explain to FNG the difference between the mail server and his hard drive.

I'm so pissed I can't even type.

I am not a help file.

I cannot tell you how goddamn lazy all the geritol junkies I work with are... they're like 5 year olds, expecting things to fall into thier laps. They don't want to take the time to learn, or to explore menu options, oh no, not when they have me... and management is a thousand times worse. They don't even bother to read the memos that thier fellow middle-rung shit-bags disseminate. This, however, can provide a lot of amusement when someone finally DOES read a memo and gets scared that they aren't in compliance with policy, prompting rapid-fire questions like:

"How do I sign my e-mail? My mouse isn't doing anything."
Solution: IT has deemed it necessary for all business related e-mail to be digitally signed. Informed user that they have an icon in thier Outlook toolbar that allows them to sign mesages. Also infomed user that they have the option of setting Outlook up to sign all e-mails by default. Further informed user that this does NOT mean they are to use thier mouse to "sign" thier name, despite inherent fun factor of watching entire branch do so. Did not inform user I have more nefarious plan because I knew this question would lead to....

"Ok, so how do I encrypt an e-mail?"
Solution: IT has also demanded that anything with personal information in it be encrypted, despite enomrous system strain this causes under our current setup. Informed user that there is another icon in Outlook that can be enabled for thier toolbar. Informed user that propper proceedure is to click button, move mouse around in random fashion to generate encryption key for AT LEAST 15 seconds, and then send message. Provided documentation to this effect copied from website selling software that really does work this way. Reclined in chair to watch stupid, lazy i-tards furiously shuffle mice at random intervals. Smiled.

At this point, I casually remarked that I couldn't wait for them to require encryption on everything, because it would bring joy and laughter and sweet puppy kisses to the whole organization. User from above replies "Oh, so you're a technophobe."

You got me. The iPod-wearing, web page maintaining, query-writing, photo-manipulating, internet-surfing, blog-keeping, next-gen gaming, ad-hoc IT support guy is a technophobe. I managed to not say any of this, but I did try to explain it's not the technology, it's the long line of people waiting to ask me how to USE the technology because they're too lazy take 5 minutes to figure it out themselves that makes me want to weep. Response: "If you fear change, they'll say you're a technophobe, and you never know who will think you have something to hide if you don't encrpyt your e-mails." I pointed out the obvious (encrypting e-mails doesn not change thier content, nor does it make them somehow invisible/uncopyable) but...well, he just repeated the same thing louder and slower. I continued to try to explain my point, but it's akin to teaching quantum physics to an epileptic monkey with ADD and a mean, mean temper. I gave up, finally, after making a mental note to exact revenge on this particular i-tard only to find MIT waiting at my desk, printout in hand....

"Did I spell December right?"
Solution: Informed MIT that thier PC has an onboard dictionary called a "spellchecker." Also informed user that this "spellchecker" can make suggestions as to the correct spelling of a word. Further told user I had a secret backup "spellchecker" that had it's own power source, independant of my PC, for those times when I didn't want to bother with the computer, or suspected the computer was incorrect. Informed user they could borrow said device, and handed user goddman dictionary.

Edit: My spelling errors in this were intended to be ironic given the subject matter. Apparently I didn't go far enough over the edge so they instead look rather silly. I asur yuo that wont hapin agin.

That's Telekenisis, Holmes.

Ugh...Monday. At least by having my iPod on today I managed to make most people leave me the hell alone.

"How do I rename this file? It just keeps making copies."
Solution: User attempted to rename file using "Save As". Explained to user that "Save As" creates new file with whatever neame user's stupid little heart desires-- demonstrate by saving open Excel spreadsheet as "ILoveGoats.xls". User complained that old file was still on hard drive. Showed user that universe did not collapse if he deleted old file; further suggested more efficient way of renaming file (using Windows Explorer). Tutorial brought to grinding halt when user asked where menu appeared from. Was confused until I realized they meant the context menu opened by right clicking. Told user menu was willed into existence, suggested they stick to menu on top of window until they got used to thier computer's psychic vibrations.

Literacy is Not a Job Requirement

Ugh....I really hate sitting near the printer. It's directly on the other side of my cubicle wall, which means that if anything goes wrong with it someone's head will pop up over the divider, and I'm nont allowed to shoot it.

(standing in front of printer) "How do I get the printer to stop?"
Solution: User had blank pages spitting out and wished to cancel the print job quickly. Directed them to look for a large red button hidden away on the front of the printer with the label "stop".
User affirmed they had found it, inquired what they should do next. Instructed user to not push that button ever, ever, ever. Sadly user failed to follow instructions and sucessfully stopped the printer.

Same i-tard, 2 minutes later:

"Isn't there a way to cancel a print job without going to the printer?"
Solution: Informed user that yes, there is an arcane, little used way of doing so. Further informed user that they needed to go into thier print manager and concel the job using the menu found there. User informed me that they didn't know what that was or where to find it. Informed user that Microsoft uses misleading icon in system tray to designate print manager-- told them to look for icon shaped like some box with paper coming out of it. User queried "Why don't they just make it look like a printer?" Waited 2 seconds. User remarked "Oh....HEY, THAT'S A PRINTER!". Unsucessfully attempted to club user, found phone cord too short to reach. Ordered longer phone cord from supply clerk.

I Wish I could Vomit Blood at Will

So, since there is one particular i-tard causing about 75% of my problems, I'm going to go ahead and give them a name. This, of course, is the one with a masters in IT, so I will call her MIT. Fitting, no? Anyway, today's gems are from her.

"My CD drive is broken, it won't give me my CD back. How do I eject a CD?"
Solution: Stared into space fow a few moments; fondly recalling blissful silence of my mother's womb. Snapped back to reality, follow MIT to desk with head hung low. Quickly ascertain that not only is her CD drive currently writing to disc in question, said disk is an RW and current software here requires a software eject rather than a manual one for RW discs. This has been the case for almost 4 years. Inquire if this is the first time she has done this. Reply: "No, every other time I shut my computer off and it ejects when I reboot." Showed MIT how to eject by right clicking and selecting "Eject".

"Can you make a Christmas card on the computer?"
Solution: Foolishly assumed MIT meant "Are you capable of making a Christmas card on the computer?"--answered in the affirmative. MIT was happy, told me she would send me the picture she wanted. Realized she meant "Will you make my Christmas cards for me at work?" Told her no, I would most certainly fucking not. Was asked if I could show her how to do so. Told her it was at least a full semester's worth of material for her, suggested she purchase cheap software at Best Buy to do so for her. Was told she does not have a computer at home yet, or a digital camera or scanner or anything in the least bit useful in making her own cards. Was not exactly shocked. Was assured she was planning on getting all of the above, starting with the camera. Asked if "the camera store" had good ones. Unclear as to which of the million possible camera stores in this city she meant; answered in the affirmative. Secretly hoping Jesus helps me out and makes her buy a normal film camera. Feel bad for unsuspecting camera store employees.

Back to Hell

Well, I'm back....as expected, lots of stupidity was anxiously awaiting my return. But for once, I will be kind and only post the best one of the bunch.

"Why don't you check your e-mail at home?"
Solution: Finally, an easy one. Informed user that a) it's technologically impossible due to new security measures, and b) I'm not paid nearly enough to do so at any rate. Walked away with noticable smirk.

EDIT: One more, right before I was leaving...

"Can you get into this site?"
Solution: Attempted to access site. Recieved an error, which was clearly from the remote server. Informed user that there was a problem on the server end (in Florida), and there is nothing we can do about it. Follow-up question: "Well, can *name removed* get in?" Repeated this was a server problem, and that if I couldn't access the server no one could. User insisted 4 other co-workers try, and finally angrily demanded to know what was wrong with the server. Follow-up solution: Used GoogleMaps to show user where, exaclty, Florida is. Turn out it's nowhere near me, remarked that eyesight too weak to see problem from here.