Literacy is Not a Job Requirement

Ugh....I really hate sitting near the printer. It's directly on the other side of my cubicle wall, which means that if anything goes wrong with it someone's head will pop up over the divider, and I'm nont allowed to shoot it.

(standing in front of printer) "How do I get the printer to stop?"
Solution: User had blank pages spitting out and wished to cancel the print job quickly. Directed them to look for a large red button hidden away on the front of the printer with the label "stop".
User affirmed they had found it, inquired what they should do next. Instructed user to not push that button ever, ever, ever. Sadly user failed to follow instructions and sucessfully stopped the printer.

Same i-tard, 2 minutes later:

"Isn't there a way to cancel a print job without going to the printer?"
Solution: Informed user that yes, there is an arcane, little used way of doing so. Further informed user that they needed to go into thier print manager and concel the job using the menu found there. User informed me that they didn't know what that was or where to find it. Informed user that Microsoft uses misleading icon in system tray to designate print manager-- told them to look for icon shaped like some box with paper coming out of it. User queried "Why don't they just make it look like a printer?" Waited 2 seconds. User remarked "Oh....HEY, THAT'S A PRINTER!". Unsucessfully attempted to club user, found phone cord too short to reach. Ordered longer phone cord from supply clerk.

I Wish I could Vomit Blood at Will

So, since there is one particular i-tard causing about 75% of my problems, I'm going to go ahead and give them a name. This, of course, is the one with a masters in IT, so I will call her MIT. Fitting, no? Anyway, today's gems are from her.

"My CD drive is broken, it won't give me my CD back. How do I eject a CD?"
Solution: Stared into space fow a few moments; fondly recalling blissful silence of my mother's womb. Snapped back to reality, follow MIT to desk with head hung low. Quickly ascertain that not only is her CD drive currently writing to disc in question, said disk is an RW and current software here requires a software eject rather than a manual one for RW discs. This has been the case for almost 4 years. Inquire if this is the first time she has done this. Reply: "No, every other time I shut my computer off and it ejects when I reboot." Showed MIT how to eject by right clicking and selecting "Eject".

"Can you make a Christmas card on the computer?"
Solution: Foolishly assumed MIT meant "Are you capable of making a Christmas card on the computer?"--answered in the affirmative. MIT was happy, told me she would send me the picture she wanted. Realized she meant "Will you make my Christmas cards for me at work?" Told her no, I would most certainly fucking not. Was asked if I could show her how to do so. Told her it was at least a full semester's worth of material for her, suggested she purchase cheap software at Best Buy to do so for her. Was told she does not have a computer at home yet, or a digital camera or scanner or anything in the least bit useful in making her own cards. Was not exactly shocked. Was assured she was planning on getting all of the above, starting with the camera. Asked if "the camera store" had good ones. Unclear as to which of the million possible camera stores in this city she meant; answered in the affirmative. Secretly hoping Jesus helps me out and makes her buy a normal film camera. Feel bad for unsuspecting camera store employees.

Back to Hell

Well, I'm back....as expected, lots of stupidity was anxiously awaiting my return. But for once, I will be kind and only post the best one of the bunch.

"Why don't you check your e-mail at home?"
Solution: Finally, an easy one. Informed user that a) it's technologically impossible due to new security measures, and b) I'm not paid nearly enough to do so at any rate. Walked away with noticable smirk.

EDIT: One more, right before I was leaving...

"Can you get into this site?"
Solution: Attempted to access site. Recieved an error, which was clearly from the remote server. Informed user that there was a problem on the server end (in Florida), and there is nothing we can do about it. Follow-up question: "Well, can *name removed* get in?" Repeated this was a server problem, and that if I couldn't access the server no one could. User insisted 4 other co-workers try, and finally angrily demanded to know what was wrong with the server. Follow-up solution: Used GoogleMaps to show user where, exaclty, Florida is. Turn out it's nowhere near me, remarked that eyesight too weak to see problem from here.

Well, DAMN

I was gone yesterday, and today I've been away from my desk, laying low before a looooong weekend. Specifically, I won't be back for a whole week. But don't worry, I haven't abandoned the blog....the i-tards around me would never let that happen. Since I'll be gone a week, I expect to get at least 1, probably more like 3, phone calls at home when someone here can't figure out how they got thier nipples stuck in the copier or somethiat the very least, I'm sure I'll have a huge backlog of questions to answer when I return. Until then, I'm off.

I'm not touching that one.

Yeah, it's definitly Monday.

"Hey, I bet you know about firewalls. My computer at home says I have one when I try to use AOL."
Solution: No fucking way. AOL and home firewalls? No fucking way. Instructed to user to shut off all firewalls, including windows version, because I am a huge prick. Proceed to feel no remorse.

Clearly, we are not speaking the same language.

I was off yesterday, so was spared the normal barrage. However, it's only 8:52 and already I've got some gems.

"The printer says it's out of toner."
Solution: Informed user that a) I don't care, and b) it's not my job to replace the toner....believe it or not, we actually have a person who has that job. As a corrolary, added c) there are 4 other printers in this room and that any of them would print for her. User informed me that subj. printer is the only one she can use. Showed user how to add printers to her profile. User seemed happy. 5 minutes later user back at printer out of toner. Informs me her computer does not see the other printers. Queried if she actually selected other printer for job. Was told she assumed computer took care of that. Showed user how to select different printer. Another 5 minutes later, found user at different printer with paper tray open and a puzzled look. Queried user as to problem. Was told "This one says it's out of toner too but there's plenty in here--look." Informed user that "toner" was not computer code for "paper". Pointed user to yet another printer, this time in different office to allow her to bother someone else.

"Where are you getting those numbers?"
Solution: Background-- was leading conference call with 16 page spreadsheet I had previously sent out. Was calling out items to discussed based on row number, which I had printed on my copy. Other users confused by this. Informed users that Excel had option to "Print row and column headings." Suggested they do so in future. Counter-suggestion offered by users that I should set up this option before sending spreadsheets. Counter-counter-suggestion offered by me that if users were unable to conduct this task themselves, perhaps they should die in a fire and save us all the trouble of spreadsheets altogether.

So.....Close.....

I almost made it out of here yesterday with no stupidity lobbed my way....and on a Monday, no less. But no, 15 minutes before I was out the door I got...

"How do I make this a percentage in PowerPoint?"
Solution: User attempting to make one column a percentage of another. Asked user if they wanted a stacked bar; was answered in the negative-- user needs both columns. Informed user the best way to do so was just to figure out percentage with ye oldey tyme calculator and add a text box. User response: "Well if you don't know, just say you don't know, don't make things up. I know you can't type on a chart." Sighed, demonstrated how to add text box. User response: "And that will change when the data is updated?" Sighed again, lied to user that yes, yes it would. Increasingly feel like Nick Burns.

But moving on...today's winner was:

"Can I put plastic in the recycle bin?"
Solution:First, background--there are new giant recycle bins scattered about, and the one in my area is directly in front of my partition. Apparently this means I am now the recycling police. Directed user to read the sign directly above said bin detailing all things which can and cannot be placed in bin. User, pensive, remarked "It doesn't mention plastic." Directed user to third line on sheet under column entited "Approved:" which reads "Plastic bottles."

Delete Brain, Insert Fist

Today I had my first 5-time loser: 5 stupid questions in one week. That makes this lucky moron our first official i-tard. What put this lucky prick over the edge? Well...

"I have a page with all white, I'm having problems. Do I need a page break?"
Solution: Attempted to feign death. After notice attempt failed, followed user to terminal. Queried user as to whether or not they wanted page breaks. Answer was "Yes." 10 further minutes of questioning revealed that the "Yes" meant "Yes I want page breaks between each page." Began inserting page breaks. Aborted process when user informed me I was making it worse. User informed me they already had too much white in document. Noted time confusion officially set up permanent residence in my brain. Again queried user as to exactly what the hell they wanted. Determined user thought page break would "break" unused space off page and join text on next page to it. Consulted English to Fucktard dictionary, achieved communication breakthrough when it was determined user just wanted to remove 3 rows from a table. Attempted to draw mental map of how this point was reached, ripped space-time continuum a teensy bit. Performed necessary deletion of rows. Felt dirty.

"I'm on this website and I can't find what I'm looking for. Can you help?"
Solution: Determined plastic butter knife not suitable object for slitting own wrists. Inspected user's monitor. Informed user that the website was not telling them it didn't have what they needed and that they were looking at a page error because URL was mistyped. Directed user to universal search engine goatse.cx.

"My computer is asking if I want Outlook Express as my default browser. Do I?"
Solution: Informed user we already use the full version. Told user to click "No." Foolishly considered matter resolved. User returned one minute later and related that subject computer had an Outlook Express setup wizard open. Told user to click "Cancel" and that anytime Microsoft asked anything they should click cancel. Chuckled maniacally. Drank more coffee.

Almost a Record

I can't believe it-- I managed to make it an ENTIRE DAY without a stupid question. Of course, 5 minutes after I got in today I got zinged.

"What's this file?" (e-mailed to me in response to an e-mail I sent.)
Solution: Determined user had not read the detailed, lengthy, bulled e-mail I carefully composed to avoid situations such as this. Responed to user with suggestion they read original e-mail. Proactively created macro for future spreadsheets-- functions as follows: Upon opening, dialogue box is opened inquiring whether or not user has read relevant e-mail. Choices are "yes" and "Not so much." Chosing the later closes the file. Choosing the former opens another dialogue box that states "I don't believe you". Closes file. Determine this is perfect data delivery method.