Ugh

It's only a half day here, and thank God-- there is way too much stupidity here for a whole day. Quick example: Just had an hour long conference about a data analyst who can't quite grasp the idea of a record count vs. summing a quantity field. Amazing. The average user, fine, I understand that. But when your WHOLE JOB is data analysis....sigh. It's so stupendously boring I refeuse to go into detail, but it was breathtaking to behold.

Clearly, I am Dreaming

One of these days, I'm going to wake up and think "Holy shit, what a horrible dream of working the best years of my life in that place. Must have been the chili."

"This stupid text is blue. I hate that, is there any way to change it?"
Solution: Discerned user was refering to the text in his e-mail. Inform user that there is in fact a way to change the color. Directed him to obscure, poorly named menu option called "Option". Noted that this must be an incredible coincidence. Successfully changed color; however, user informed me he wwas referring to the text color of the message he had already recieved. Informed user it was likely the e-mail writer was probably without someone as knowledgable as myself to help change thier text colors. Suggested he write e-mail detailing the steps he used to change his text color to Microsoft so that they could send everyone who uses Outlook a bulletin to remedy situation.

"I got this slide, and I got it to go up and down like I want, but it's all the way on the left now. I need it in the center, how do I do that?"
Solution: Conducted investigation into what "it" represented and determined the subject was again text. Showed user how to select objects in PowerPoint. Further demonstrated how to click and drag for fun and profit. Despite better judgement, showed user how to use align functions as well. User decided align was useful, best thing since Jesus. Abandoned centered text for left-aligned option. Informed user this was basically where they started. User informed me knowingly that it was ALMOST the same, but this text was now aligned.

Quick tip of the day:
It is easier to e-mail 5 files totaling under 3 MB to a distribution group than it is to burn 25 CDs with the same files and physically mail them to the same people; most sane people understand this. Management, however, does not, and will invariably pick the highest paid person in the room other than themselves to carry out this critical task. The lowest paid person in the room with nothing to do will, in turn, come over to the highest paid person and watch.

A Stunning Turn of Events

Well, you know the drill by now, so without further ado....

"How do I change colors in PowerPoint? I change one and everything else changes."
Solution: Ascretained user does not have appropriate grip of the English language. Was in fact applying design templates to slides. Showed user how to select slides to be changed and how to apply new templates. Resisted urge to hand user coloring book and crayons.

This next one is NOT an IT related issue, and that's exactly why it's in here.....

Scene: New whiteboard installed by my desk. Apparently subject board was pulled from closet somewhere as it still had "Welcome to the Holiday Party" on it. Big boss comes by to see new board.

"That's not terribly current. Clean it".
Solution: Determined at currently hourly this will cost employer approx. $27 of my time. Further determined janitors make less than this. Considered myself highest paid janitor in building. Proceed to clean year old marker off board with very stinky alcohol-based cleaner. Began seeing leprechauns from fumes, passed out. Awoke, but still see leprechauns. Determined being highest paid janitor still makes me a janitor.

Fun fact of the day:
Unplugging a user's computer results in excellent help desk calls, as long as that help desk is not me.

I am a Bad Person and That's Ok With Me

Some stellar examples today, and it's only half over.

"This won't print sideways. Why won't it print sideways?"
Solution: User was attempting to print a document in landscape format, but was unable to figure out how to switch to the correct format. Colleague suggested appropriate response would have been "You have to turn the printer first." Showed user what Page Setup menu was for.

"I'm sick of always having my e-mail spell-checked. I wish it wouldn't do that."
Solution: Showed user where to uncheck the "always spellcheck e-mails before sending" option in Outlook.
Follow-up stupidity (5 minutes later, after composing an e-mail):
"Now how do I get it to spellcheck?"
Solution: Directed user to Tools-->Spelling. Also informed user F7 does the same thing. User informed me he prefers to use menus so he knows "the machine is working." Directed user to Tools-->Spelling-->Die.

"I'm trying to upload a paper-- does it matter what letter I start with?"
Solution: Ponder "What the fuck?" After lengthy conversation with user (see yesterday's entry for the Masters degree in IT-- same person) ascertained that user is referring to the DRIVE LETTER in the file path she is specifying as a source. Informed user that "Q" is the best letter to use as no one ever thinks to go that far into the alphabet. Solution backfired a few minutes later when user came back to make me show them how it works. After uploading file, viewed result page and ascertained user had previously uploaded the same goddamn file. Determined God hates me.

Rule of the Day:
If a user refers to thier computer as "the machine" or assigns it a gender, the odds that they know anything beyond how to spill coffee in their keyboard decrease dramatically.

In the beginning...

Welcome to I-Tarded, a celebration of the stupid shit people ask us every day of our miserable lives. These are real questions and conversations, asked and said to us in all seriousness by people who should REALLY know better-- by that we mean that this is not a forum to berate the people who are honestly seeking answers and have never been exposed to this stuff before. It's a place, rather, to bitch about the i-tards (IT retards) that surround us and waste our oxygen with questions anyone who has 5 seconds and access to Google should be able to answer. It should be noted that I am, in fact, NOT an IT worker, but a data analyst who happens to be unlucky enough to know more about hardware and software than the complete idiots that surround me...and they all know it.

Today's entries:

"How do I draw a line in PowerPoint? I click and nothing happens."
Solution: User (with a Masters in IT) is not clicking and dragging to give the line length, preferring instead to click once and stare at screen.

"I want to attach a file to an e-mail, but it keeps getting inserted in the message instead. That's confusing to the recipients....they might not know there's an attachment if it's way down in a string of e-mails."
Solution: After futile arguing that the end result was the same and that Outlook puts a paperclip next to messages with attachments, showed user (20 year veteran of computer use) how to change e-mail type from Rich Text to plain text back to HTML to avoid troublesome insertion issues. Suspect that user has other insertion issues beyond the scope of this blog.